Feeling Frustrated with Your PANS/PANDAS Child or Teen? 4 Helpful Tips
Does this feel familiar?
You’re trying to get out the door.
Your child suddenly refuses to put on clothes because nothing feels “right.”
Or your teen becomes overwhelmed over something that seems small from the outside.
Part of you understands:
“My child is struggling because of PANS/PANDAS.”
And another part of you immediately feels:
“Here we go again.”
That frustrated reaction can bring enormous guilt for many PANS/PANDAS parents.
Especially when you know your child or teen is suffering.
One thing I find very helpful from an Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS) perspective is the understanding that we all have different emotional “parts” that show up during stressful moments.
For example:
Part of you may feel deep compassion for your child.
Another part may feel exhausted, overwhelmed, or reactive after months or years of stress.
Another part may immediately feel guilty for even having those reactions.
IFS helps parents understand that these conflicting reactions are normal during chronic stress.
And when parents learn how to notice these parts with more awareness and less shame, difficult moments often become easier to navigate.
1. Become Aware of Your Frustrated Part
Many reactions happen very quickly.
You may notice:
your jaw tightening
your thoughts speeding up
a strong sense of urgency
thoughts like:
“Why is everything so hard?”
“We can never do anything normally.”
Often, by the time parents notice their frustration, they already feel emotionally flooded by it.
One helpful IFS shift is learning to notice these different “parts” of ourselves and slowing down enough to observe them.
Don’t judge that part of yourself.
Offer that part of yourself some understanding and compassion for all that you are carrying.
For example, tell yourself:
“A frustrated part of me is here right now and it makes sense that I feel this way. Anyone in my position would feel this way.”
That small shift creates just a little separation between you and the reaction.
Instead of fully becoming the frustration, you begin observing it with compassion.
2. Get Curious About What Is Underneath the Frustration
IFS views a part that feels frustration as a “protector part.”
Protector parts develop to “protect” us from feelings that are harder to carry.
For many PANS/PANDAS parents, frustration may actually be protecting:
fear
helplessness
grief
exhaustion
the pressure of feeling responsible for holding everything together
For example, underneath:
“Why is this happening again?”
may be:
“I’m scared this flare is getting worse.”
Or underneath:
“I just can’t do this anymore.”
may be:
“I’m exhausted and overwhelmed but I don’t have a choice except to keep going.”
Many parents move quickly from frustration into self-criticism.
But curiosity is often much more helpful than shame.
Instead of:
“What’s wrong with me for getting frustrated?”
try:
“What is my frustration protecting me from feeling right now?”
The second question helps develop more internal compassion for yourself, which often reduces reactivity.
3. Slow Things Down Before Responding
One of the biggest challenges for PANS/PANDAS parents is that stressful moments happen fast.
Your child escalates.
Your nervous system reacts (understandably!).
And suddenly everyone feels overwhelmed.
IFS encourages parents to slow things down enough that they can respond with awareness instead of reacting from an overwhelmed part.
This does not mean you have to be perfectly calm.
It simply means creating a little more space before reacting automatically.
Sometimes this looks like:
taking one slow breath before responding
pausing before immediately problem-solving
softening your tone of voice
slowing your movements
saying:
“Let me think about this for a minute.”
Even small pauses can help parents feel more emotionally grounded during difficult moments.
And often, when parents slow themselves down first, it becomes easier for the child or teen’s nervous system to settle as well.
4. Remember That Your Child or Teen Has Parts Too
One of the most helpful aspects of IFS parenting is recognizing that children also have different parts reacting at different times.
For example:
Part of your child may genuinely want to go to school.
Another part may feel terrified, overwhelmed, sensory overloaded, or stuck in OCD.
Part of your teen may want independence.
Another part may feel extremely anxious and unable to tolerate uncertainty.
When parents begin viewing behaviors through this lens, it often becomes easier to respond to your PANS/PANDAS child or teen with curiosity.
But it can help parents shift from:
“My child is giving me a hard time”
to:
“My child is having a hard time.”
That shift often changes the emotional tone of the interaction for both parent and child.
Feeling Frustrated Makes Sense
PANS/PANDAS parenting places families under enormous stress.
It makes sense that frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted, and reactive parts show up under that level of pressure.
IFS can help parents slow things down enough to notice these reactions with more understanding and less shame.
And often, when parents are less consumed by their own overwhelmed parts, connection with their child becomes easier to access again.
If you’re looking for additional support around responding to emotionally intense moments with your child or teen, you may also find this blog helpful: 3 Tips For Responding to BIG Emotions from Your PANDAS/PANS Child or Teen
Need More Support?
I work with parents of children, teens, and young adults with PANS and PANDAS throughout New York State.
In therapy, I help parents better understand both their child’s nervous system and their own emotional responses to the ongoing stress of PANS/PANDAS parenting.
You can schedule a free, relaxed 15-minute consultation by clicking the button below.
Julie Cox, LCSW is a fully licensed therapist with 25 years of experience supporting children, teens, parents, and adults in New York and Delaware.
She specializes in working
with families navigating PANDAS and PANS, offering child and parent-centered support based on co-regulation, nervous system education, and evidence-based approaches that help reduce anxiety, OCD symptoms, and demand-avoidance behaviors.
She helps parents feel more empowered and supported while caring for children experiencing neuroinflammatory symptoms.