Perfectionism and Anxiety: When High Standards Take a Toll on Your Well-Being
When High Standards Start to Feel Exhausting
If you often hold yourself to very high standards, you probably know what it’s like to feel constantly “on.” Always thinking ahead, checking, preparing, and wondering if you’re doing enough. You may believe that if you just work harder, avoid mistakes, or get everything right the first time, your anxiety will finally ease.
But instead, perfectionism can leave you feeling drained, overthinking every decision, and carrying a persistent sense of “never quite enough.”
What many people don’t realize is that perfectionism and anxiety are closely connected, and these patterns often begin early in life. Understanding where they came from—and why they persist—is an important first step toward change. Therapy can be a safe and supportive place to start that journey.
Why Trying to Be Perfect Feels So Stressful
Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to do well. It’s about feeling that mistakes are unacceptable, and that your worth depends on your performance. When your nervous system is constantly on alert, anxiety naturally follows.
For many, these patterns start in childhood. You may have grown up in an environment where expectations were very high—spoken or unspoken. Perhaps approval or closeness felt conditional on your achievements, behavior, or avoiding mistakes. Even loving parents can unintentionally communicate that perfection is required to be safe or accepted.
Over time, anxiety reinforces perfectionism, making you feel like if you just try harder or plan more carefully, you can finally feel in control. But instead, it becomes a self-perpetuating cycle: anxiety fuels perfectionism, and perfectionism keeps anxiety alive.
How Perfectionism Can Affect Your Life
On the outside, perfectionism can look like success. Inside, it often feels very different.
Perfectionism can affect your life in ways you may not notice at first:
Emotional health: Persistent stress, burnout, self-criticism, or shame
Relationships: Difficulty relaxing, delegating, or feeling emotionally close because of fear of disappointing others
Life satisfaction: Trouble enjoying accomplishments, feeling guilty about rest, or never feeling “good enough”
Even when you achieve a goal, relief can be fleeting. The standards shift, pressure returns, and anxiety remains. Over time, this can leave you feeling disconnected from yourself and the life you’re trying so hard to build.
How Therapy—and EMDR—Can Help You Feel Safer and More Grounded
Therapy for perfectionism isn’t about lowering your standards or caring less. It’s about understanding why perfectionism became necessary and helping your nervous system learn that you can be safe—even when things aren’t perfect.
Often, these patterns are linked to early experiences such as:
Growing up with high parental expectations
Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
Learning that mistakes led to criticism, withdrawal, or disapproval
Chronic stress or relational trauma
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is especially effective for addressing these deeper roots. EMDR helps your brain reprocess past experiences that taught you you had to be perfect to be safe, accepted, or valued.
Many clients notice that after EMDR:
Old emotional triggers lose intensity
Fear of making mistakes softens
Self-worth becomes less tied to performance
Anxiety feels more manageable and less automatic
Rather than just coping with perfectionism, EMDR helps heal the experiences that keep the pattern in place. You can learn more about this approach on my 👉 EMDR therapy page.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If perfectionism and anxiety are shaping how you work, relate, or feel about yourself, it doesn’t mean anything is “wrong” with you. These patterns developed for a reason—and they can change.
Therapy—especially trauma-informed approaches like EMDR—can help you feel calmer, more grounded, and less driven by the need to be perfect.
If you’re curious about therapy for perfectionism or want support with how to manage perfectionism and anxiety, I invite you to schedule a consultation to explore how therapy may help you move forward.
Julie Cox, LCSW is a licensed therapist with 25 years of experience supporting children, teens, parents, and adults in New York State. She specializes in trauma and anxiety, using evidence-based approaches including EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), IFS-informed therapy, and DBT to help clients heal from overwhelm, chronic stress, and the impact of early experiences on the nervous system.
Julie also works with families navigating PANDAS/PANS, offering child and parent-centered support based on co-regulation, nervous system education, and evidence-based approaches that help reduce anxiety, OCD symptoms, and demand-avoidance behaviors. She helps parents feel more empowered and supported while caring for children experiencing neuroinflammatory symptoms.